Damn! My life a movie (tv show)
What if the characters on HBO’s hit show Succession had to select the NBA All-Star rosters? I think it would go a little something like this.
(We enter the swank Manhattan office of Kendall Roy. His palms are pressed firmly against his desk. His brother and sister, Roman and Shiv, sit across from him. His half-brother Connor has called in to the meeting, as his presidential campaign has his priorities on this year’s Bohemian Grove gathering)
Kendall: OK guys. I know this isn’t easy to hear, but dad… dad has staked the entire company on selecting the rosters for this year’s NBA All-Star Game.
Roman: He bet the company on a sportsball roster?
Shiv: Can…. can he do that? Forget legally; like where does he even go to do that?
K: I don’t know exactly, but he umm…. well he managed to do it somehow. Gerri and Karl let me know; of course only after he had done it, but that doesn’t matter now. This decision is too important to leave up to him. Especially given the state he’s in.
R: Sorry but the state he’s in? Are you like recording this or something? You want this to get back to him don’t you? You sneaky fuck.
S: I don’t know Rome. We all know that I’m the smartest Roy and not even I could think of something this… well dad.
R: You’re only the smartest because you’ve got your Punxsutawney Fuck husband rat-fucking the news. Nixon would have been so luck to have Cronkite manufacturing consent while making sweet sweet love to his crooked dick.
K: Look guys I’m being truthful here. We need to pick the perfect roster or we lose control of the company. Everything we’ve been fighting for will be gone.
(Both sigh): Fine.
Connor: I’ll just go with whatever you guys want, but you can also run some names by me.
(Noise in the background) Hey Con; get over here. Jeffrey is lining up his newest batch of models for this years Bohemian Ball.
C: Hold your horses Harvey. Sorry about the noise guys. The guys invited me to their secret club and as part of the meet and great Willa gets to be a part of their big show.
R: O I bet she is.
K: OK guys…. focus. Look I know none of us know nothing about basketball.
R: (Roman interrupts) Well Shiv probably intimately knows the entire league.
S: Well if anybody knows about other dudes playing with balls its you Rome.
K: GUYS! We. need. to. focus. Look I’ve spared no expense hiring the best data analysts to get this thing down to a science. Stuff like VORP, DRIP, RAPTOR, real tangible shit to figure this out and save the company. Ya heard!
(Logan bursts into the room): What the fuck is going on here? Are my spawns plotting against me again? Don’t like how your dear daddy runs HIS company!
K: Dad look we don’t have time to talk about how we got here but we’re working on how to get us out of it.
L: No need. I’ve already phoned in the results.
R: What? Dad how could you without consulting with me (Sees Kendall and Shiv stare at him) I mean us! (gestures around the room)
L: Well I’ll tell you why. I already know how you all would have done it. Think you’re so smart do ya. Use some fancy data analysts to do tour dirty work. Nothing but a bunch of calculator rats! Bastardizing the beautiful game that I’ve watched ever since I was a boy. You think I know how to pick the best boys.
K: Okay dad. Then who exactly did you stake our company on.
L: Well if you must know I simply sorted by the most important of your little stats. Points Per Game. Can’t be top of the league if you can’t score son. Bet you know all about that Romulus. (Roman looks at the floor) But I know I have to give one of my relations a pick.
(Kids look at one another)
K: Dad if it you didn’t give it to one of us, who the hell did you give it to?
L: Well Cousin Greg of course.
(The 3 Roy children’s finally notice Cousin Greg standing behind their father)
Greg: We’ll, I know it was kinda of an important decision, so I did some research on the stats of the game and umm well I didn’t really understand most of them. So, I um well I kinda just googled good NBA players and this guy Andrew Wiggins came up and it seems like he’s having a better than usual season and his story helped promote the vaccine efforts and he’s very popular with our Asian America brothers and sisters who have experienced so much hate recently so I um well I kinda picked him.
All: GREG!!!
And without further adieu here’s who the DM picked to be the All-Star roster.
Eastern Conference All-Stars
Starting Guards: Trae Young and DeMar DeRozan
Starting Frontcourts: Giannis Antetokounmpo, Kevin Durant, and Joel Embiid
Reserve Guard: Zach LaVine and James Harden
Reserve Frontcourts: Jimmy Butler, Jayson Tatum, and Jarrett Allen
Wild Cards: LaMelo Ball and Jrue Holiday
Western Conference All-Stars
Starting Guards: Steph Curry and Ja Morant
Starting Frontcourts: LeBron James, Nikola Jokic, and Draymond Green
Reserve Guard: Chris Paul and Donovan Mitchell
Reserve Frontcourts: Paul George, Karl Anthony-Towns, and Rudy Gobert
Wild Cards: Luka Doncic and DeAndre Ayton
Federally mandated get out the vaccine effort
Democracy Dies in Darkness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Link for Ballots / Vote Tally’s)
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1w44mxS5rsdybP292sIFSw0aEJSkD_V3iPv9hPAJs7f0/edit?usp=sharing
Fraudball 