The Last of Awards

(We open with a shot of Joel and Ellie from the hit HBO show The Last of Us walking through a dense forest. A white title card appears in the corner of the screen that reads “10 Miles Outside of Philadelphia.” Still early on their trek to get Ellie to the Fraudball camp in Seattle in hopes that they can use Ellie’s immunity from the deadly fraudyceps brain infection to create a cure to save the game of basketball, Joel decides to make camp for the night in the home of an old and wise friend. )

Ellie: Joel when are we fucky fucking fuck going to get to sit the fuck down. I mean we’ve been walking so fucking much that I forgot what the fuck we are fucking doing.

Joel: It’s just around the bend here. Used to be a community up here before this whole fraud mess started. Army moved the survivors out on trucks, but my friend Keith Pompey was a hard core survivalist. People thought he was big sofite but that dude is ice cold. That man took on that psycho Daryl Morey in the tampering wars and lived to podcast about it. Oh the trauma!

(After making it over the hill, Joel and Ellie arrive at Keith’s compound. Sadly, upon entering the house Joel finds his friend under the bodies of pale thin white men with hair lines that had long since receded beyond their best combing efforts. The name Jokic was carved into each of their backs and to a man all seemed to carry clubs carved like trophies.)

Joel: And now he pod’s with the angels. Come on Ellie let’s search around for supplies

Ellie: Joel I’ll never be your fucking dead daughter you fucking loser. God I hate you, but I guess I’ll look around and see if I can find a better father figure. Hey what’s this?

Joel: Woah be careful with that thing. That’s one of those award ballots that was at the start of this whole mess. People started going crazy over who should be MVP. Embiid, Jokic, Giannis, VROP, SNOP, BPM, VPM’s. Podcasters, tv folks, even gosh darn team GM’s were harassing each other on Twitter so much that one day people started snapping. One day you’d be eating breakfast and then your 80 year old neighbor breaks down the door screaming FRAUD and trynna to kill ya. Oh the trauma of it all was just so traumatic.

Ellie: Geez Joel this sounds both dark and dumb. Hey let’s lighten the mood with this joke book I found. 101 Jokes bigger than Nash’s 2006 MVP. Why did the Jokic cross the road? To lose to Suns in 4 and ride his ponies. If a Joel Embiid falls during a game and ref isn’t there to see it, does it count as a foul? How many Giannis’s does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 1, but he’ll only do it if involves his wife. They say dead men tell no tales, but that can’t be true because why else won’t Jayson Tatum stop texting them.

Joel: Oh Ellie! I may accept you as a replacement for the trauma of my dead daughter yet.

Anyways here’s how you haters and losers voted for your 2022-23 NBA Awards.

Most Valuable Player

1. Nikola Jokic – 111 Points
2. Joel Embiid – 96 Points
3. Giannis Antetokounmpo – 74 Points
4. Jayson Tatum – 35 Points
5. Donovan Mitchell – 26 Points

Rookie of the Year

1. Paolo Banchero – 60 Points
2. Jalen William – 30 Points
3. Bennedict Mathurin / Walker Kessler – 16 Points

Defensive Player of the Year

1. Brook Lopez – 32 Points
2. Jaren Jackson Jr. – 24 Points
3. Giannis Antetokounmpo – 23 Points

Most Improved Player

1. Lauri Markkanen – 52 Points
2. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander – 26 Points
3. Mikal Bridges – 19 Points

Sixth Man of the Year Award

1. Immanuel Quickley – 58 Points
2. Malcolm Brogdon – 41 Points
3. Malik Monk – 6 Points

Clutch Player of the Year

1. De’Aaron Fox – 40 Points
2. Donovan Mitchell – 21 Points
3. Joel Embiid – 13 Points

Coach of the Year

1. Mike Brown – 56 Points
2. Tom Thibodeau – 24 Points
3. Michael Malone – 13 Points

Least Valuable Player of the Year

1. Ben Simmons – 60 Points
2. James Weisman – 27 Points
3. Kyrie Irving – 14 Points

All-NBA Guards

1st Team: Luka Doncic – 49 Points & Steph Curry – 46 Points

2nd Team: Shai Gilgeous-Alexander – 44 Points & Donovan Mitchell – 41 Points

3rd Team: Ja Morant – 17 Points & Damian Lillard – 16 Points

All-NBA Forwards

1st Team: Jayson Tatum – 62 Points & Giannis Antetokounmpo – 61 Points

2nd Team: Jimmy Butler – 29 Points & Julius Randle – 25 Points

3rd Team: Kevin Durant – 15 Points & Lauri Markkanen – 15 Points

All-NBA Centers

1st Team: Nikola Jokic – 56 Points

2nd Team: Joel Embiid – 49 Points

3rd Team: Domantas Sabonis – 11 Points

All-Rookie Teams

1st Team: Paolo Banchero – 28 Points, Bennedict Mathurin – 25 Points, Jalen Williams – 25 Points, Walker Kessler – 24 Points, & Keegan Murray – 23 Points

2nd Team: Jaden Ivey – 15 Points, Andrew Nembhard – 12 Points, AJ Griffin – 12 Points, Jalen Duren – 10 Points, & Tari Eason – 10 Points

All-Defense Guards

1st Team: Alex Caruso – 18 Points & Derrick White – 16 Points

2nd Team: Jrue Holiday – 12 Points & Luguentz Dort – 11 Points

All-Defense Forwards

1st Team: Giannis Antetokounmpo – 23 Points & Jaren Jackson Jr. – 19 Points

2nd Team: Draymond Green – 15 Points & O. G Anunoby – 11 Points

All-Defense Centers

1st Team: Brook Lopez – 17 Points

2nd Team: Jarret Allen / Walker Kessler / Nic Claxton – 5 Points

All-Worst Guards

1. Kyrie Irving – 4 Points
2. Killian Hayes – 3 Points

All-Worst Forwards

1. Ben Simmons – 3 Points
2. Marcus Morris Sr. / Davis Bertans / Thanasis Antetokounmpo / Jeff Green / Duncan Robinson / Simone Fontecchio – 2 Points

All-Worst Centers

1. James Weisman – 8 Points

Ballots and Detailed Results

Link: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/12n5ndjxC8jjVChI5hwNK-fdel8eVIdYNzpse8PQZqGA/edit?usp=sharing